Tips for Becoming an Effective Listener

Tips for Becoming an Effective Listener

•         1.. Do not talk! You cannot listen when you are talking. You will only be thinking about what you are going to say next instead of paying attention to what the other person is trying to say. Consciously focus your attention on the speaker.

•         2.Put the speaker at ease: Relax, smile, look at the speaker and help that person feel free to talk. Look and act interested.   Remove distractions: turn off the TV; close the door; stop what you are doing, and pay attention.

•         3.Pay attention to the nonverbal language of physical gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice, and body posture. An authority  on nonverbal language says that 55 percent of the message meaning is nonverbal, 38 percent is indicated by tone of voice, and only 7 percent is conveyed by the words used in a spoken message. Few people know how to listen to the eyes; what a tapping foot means; a furrowed brow; clenched fist; the biting of nails. These often reveal the key feelings behind the words.

•         4.Listen for what is not said. Ask questions to clarify the meaning of words and the feelings involved, or ask the speaker to  enlarge on the statement. People often find it difficult to speak up about matters or experiences that are very important or highly  emotional for them. Listen for how the speaker presents the message. What people hesitate to say is often the most critical point.

•         5.Know exactly what the other person is saying. Reflect back what the other person has said in a "shared meaning" experience     so you completely understand the meaning and content of the message before you reply to it. A good listener does not assume they understand the other person. You, as the listener, should not express your views until you have summarized the speaker's message  to his satisfaction.

•         6.Be aware of "tune out" words. These are words which appear in the media that strike an emotional chord in the listener and interferes with attentive listening (e.g. abortion, nuclear war, communism, homosexuality). Avoid arguing mentally. Listen to understand, not to oppose.

•         7.Concentrate on "hidden" emotional meanings. What are the real feelings behind the words? What is the tone of voice saying?  What does the emphasis on certain words mean? Notice how the meaning of the following question is changed when you change the emphasis from one word to the next.

•         What do you want?

•         What do you want?

•         What do you want?

•         What do you want?

•         8.Be patient. Don't interrupt the speaker. This is disrespectful and suggests you want to talk instead of listen. Allow plenty of time for the speaker to convey ideas and meaning. Be courteous and give the speaker adequate time to present the full message.

•         9.Hold your temper! Try to keep your own emotions from interfering with your listening efficiency. When emotions are high, there is a tendency to tune out the speaker, become defensive, or want to give advice. You don't have to agree to be a good listener.  Don't argue! Even if you win, you lose.

•          10.Empathize with the speaker. Try to "walk in the other's moccasins" so you can feel what that person is feeling and understand the point of view the speaker is trying to convey.